Posts
A little Insight on the Deployment Curse.Posted on a different Blog during my Husbands Last Deployment.
I have to Vent.Oh do I have to V-E-N-T ! After 14+ years in the Army the Deployment Curse still manages to surprise me.To all the new Wives out there..YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE the Curse..EVER. All the "Veteran Wives"you know what I am talking about.In the past Years I have started to give new Appliances Deployment Names because nothing ever breaks while Hubby is around to give at least Moral Support.The Deployment Curse will hit every time your Hubby leaves the country to explore exotic places far far away from home. For example my OIF1 List ....Washer,dryer,Dishwasher,Pick up Truck and some minor House repairs ,I also broke my Leg 7 Days before Hubby came Home.OIF2 we had a blown Fuse box that left us in the Dark for 4 days,15 Feet of Roots in the Sewer Line which cause the Main line to Back up(filled every Sink and Bathtub in the House with 6 Inches of Sh&^)next the Washer gave up again,AC compressor in the Car,Air conditioner quit in July(did I mention I live in TEXAS?) and the Lawnmower just went BOOM and died.OIF3 was just the same.this Time the Theme was Entertainment,TV,DVD Player,the Kids XBox,VCR and the Computer also the other Air conditioner Unit(again during the Summer) .Now we are on OIF4 and the Tale goes on.First the Family Car blew the Transmission(thank God right in Front of a Car Dealership)2 Weeks later another Section of the Main Sewer Line broke in 3 Places(again Thank God it only spewed its goods in the Yard and Back Porch)so far so good for the Deployment Curse part 4.Last Friday i was just hanging out with the Kids..making plans for New Years eve(which I had to work but hey..we can have Fun at a Woman's Shelter right?) a slow trickle caught my Attention..it was raining hard so nothing to worry about Right?Next thing I know a Blubbering Noise comes out of the Hallway Closet(yes you guessed it..the one with the BIG Water heater in it) before I knew what happened a PUFF of Steam comes out of the Closet followed by a Flood of Hot Water.By the time i made it to the Water Heater I was Ankle deep in Hot Water.Trying to find the Main Shut off in all that Steam took me 5 Minutes while more and more Water came out of every Pipe Boiler and what not.After using Every Towel,Rag,Table cloth,Quilt and Blanket in the house to try to contain the Water I finally found Time to call the Plumber.Plumber #one told me flat out he would be there Tuesday(NEXT TUESDAY) and it would be at least $1200.Second Plumber..yeah we can come out Tuesday it IS the Holidays ya know.Geesh Thanks like I didn't know that..Obviously my Water Heater must have forgotten to give me a Week Notice before blowing up..next Time I will Schedule it a Month in Advance.Finally a Plumber agreed to be out here in 3 Hours WITH a new Water heater for ONLY $600.Oh bless the Man I wanted to kiss his Feet!Next came a call to the Insurance Company..yup they send Some Loss Mitigation Company out Immediately(never mind that Water was still happily trickling out of that darn Thing).While I was dragging out Stuff from 2 Walk in Closets(hmm didn't I plan on Reorganizing them anyway?)and we are Talking CLOTHES everywhere! Summer Clothes that where boxed up..Kids Clothes that waited for Josh to Grow into(the next 5 years are covered) STUFFED ANIMALS,Toys etc.,In Short..Closets that Caught everything from 1980 Tax Papers to"we might need it later"Clothes and Stuff.Also a Kids Bedroom full with toys (thanks Santa,Grandma,Big Brothers..we are Talking 10 Toy boxes full!!!!)everything soaking wet of course.Next thing I know I have 2 Plumbers Ripping out Pipes and the Water heater(who needs Walls anyway?) and 4 LMS workers Dragging in Huge Industrial Size Fans and all Sorts of Equipment.While I slush around in a Daze the nice Man from LMS announces that he will start with the Removal now..cool with me..remove the Water and go away.My Brain stopped working when the Steam hit me in the Face so it took awhile to catch on.Once I saw the Guy with the Crow Bar I should have know...but it took a few more minutes to catch on.What he said was not "remove the water"he meant REMOVE THE FLOORS ..next thing out of my Mouth I cant write down..lets just say I turned into a Mad Woman with full blown Turrets Syndrome threatening the poor Guy with Death and Dismemberment if he lays as much as a Finger on the Wood Floors that MY HUSBAND put in .After everybody went for Cover during my Rant I finally calmed down enough to tell them that I QUIT AND MOVE TO FLORIDA.They where just Lucky that none of the Guns in the House where loaded.After I calmed down,Thanks to the Plumber who was brave enough to give me a Hug and tell me that it will all be alright..they Started to pull out Carpet and Hardwood and set up the Fans.Do you know Industrial Size Fans?oh let me tell you..they are the Size of Jet Engines and just as loud.I had 8 in my House for 4 days now..my Hearing will never be the same.Besides the Fact that it is IMPOSSIBLE to Sleep with those things blowing...they also create a VERY strong Wind.Ever been in a Wind Tunnel?Come and sit on my Couch.The Wind was so Strong that by Saturday I watched my Wallpaper circulating on the Ceiling,not pretty!As the Wallpaper blew off one section after the other I was just able to sit on my Couch,wrapped in an old Winter Coat,and laugh.My Kids where about to call the Guys with the Big white Jackets(the one with the sleeves on the back) and commit me to a Rubberized Room.The next few days where bad..really bad.The Kids are totally out of whack..Boxes and Bags are all over the House and we take our Meals on the Couch ,trying to keep the food from blowing of the plates,because the Kitchen Table is loaded 4 feet high with Laundry that I have Washed(30 Loads so far..and still about 2 feet high pile to go) Today is Tuesday..the Fans just got removed and The Silence is scary!It will take Days until I stop Yelling from the Top of my Lungs.The Insurance Adjusters are backed up so it will be 2 or 3 days until someone comes out to figure out the Damage and do an estimate.They will report to the Insurance Company(another 2 days)and then USAA will decide about the amount of the Check.Once they Mail the Check(4-7 Business days)I can start to get estimates from Contractors.So in about a Month I might have Floors again.What scares me the most right now is that this Deployment just started!In the End things are not as bad..I did bake a bunch of Cookies for the poor LMS guys that took the Brunt of my little Meltdown.The Closets finally get organized..the ugly 70`s Carpet in Joshuas Room will eventually be replaced and the Floors in the Living Room and Hallways will be fine,not with the sentimental value the old ones had but hey right now I settle for ANYTHING but Concrete.It could have been worse.I try telling myself that the Deployment curse is what makes us Army Wives so darn Tough.The Things we deal with while our Husbands are gone would bring any "normal"Woman to their Knees.Things like this,as bad and traumatizing they are,Make us tougher then the Rest . I have a Co Worker that calls her Husband at Work whenever she has a Spider in the House..an Army Wife will not even flinch if a critter the Size of a Pick up is having Dinner straight out of her Fridge..we will quietly grab a Shoe or whatever Weapon is appropriate..smash the darn thing and go back to our Routine without even blinking.Dang I am Proud to be a tough Ass Army Wife!Ladies we are the Strongest,Toughest breed of Females God has ever created!We overcome obstacles and manage any Crisis that gets thrown our Way..and every time we emerge stronger.Once this part of the Deployment Curse is over I will be one Tough broad..I don't know what I do if Something else happens tomorrow..but I am sure that after a 5 minute Meltdown I will do what Army Wives do best..suck it up and Soldier on.
January
Before the Guys left for this Deployment my Dear Husband had to Transport a few Prisoners to "The big House" in Leavenworth. Not a big Deal. he had the Government Credit Card to pay for Hotel, Meals and Gas. So for a Change we didn't have to use our Grocery Money for some Army Stuff and then wait month for reimbursement. WRONG!!!! A few Days before he left for Iraq I received a Bill for the Trip.$398 due immediately. Somebody forgot to pay it so the Bank went to the Guy who signed for it….Dear Hubby. My Sweetie went to finance and was assured that it was a glitch and everything will be fixed. NEVER believe some Spc who tells you things are fixed…they are NOT fixed. Just pushed on the Bottom of the Pile to collect Dust. Fast Forward 2 Month into the Deployment…. Sunday Morning 5 Am A very frazzled Husband calls from some Place in the Desert. The*insert the F word and S Word* hit the Fan,*insert F Word* never paid the Credit Card and now WE owe *insert F word*$598 .He just spend an Hour being Yelled at by every *insert F word* NCO and Officer in the Company for not paying his*insert F Word* Bills ( helloooooo HIS Bills? Last I checked it was not some pleasure Trip to Vegas but Army Business).If he doesn't pay the Amount owed IMMEDIATELY and provides proof that he did so he will loose rank and receive an Article 15 . A little Reminder here ..it is 5am on a Sunday and Banks are usually Closed(a Fact obviously lost on the Chain of Command...it scares me to know that those Men carry loaded Weapons !) I bite my Tongue and tell him to give me all the Information he has. I promise him to fix it(don't know how.. but heads will roll when I am done!) and get on the Phone. Since Banks are closed on Sundays I call the Number for Stolen Cards praying for a Veteran or Army Wife on the other End. Some dimwit sounds very concerned and suggests that hubby Fax his Paperwork to the Credit Department and they will look into it on Monday. I was about to blow a gasket! FAX??? Unless you can plug one of those Fax thingy's into a Camels Rear End I don't think we are on the same Page here Lady. Dimwit gets offended and I demand to speak to a Supervisor. After going over the whole shebang again the Man is at least smart enough Not to suggest Faxing anything. He Transfers me to yet another Department where I get Lucky ,a Former Army Wife comes to the Rescue. After giving her every possible Information from Birth dates, Mothers Maiden Name, Kindergarten Teachers Name SS#, Unit, Rank, $Amounts, Last Bowel Movement etc. she finally takes my Money and gives me a Confirmation Number. 1 Hour and $598 later (guess it is Ramen Noodles and PB&J Sandwiches this Month) Super Army Wife saved the Day once again. Hubby calls back (Oh by the Way Baby YOU*insert F Word*OWE ME !).We will just have to wait till Hubby gets back State side to get our Money back from the Army. Now things should be over right? Bill is Paid in full..Hubby didn't loose Rank and everybody is Happy. Think again. this is a Deployment and NOTHING works out normally. The latest anecdote of this whole ordeal is that the Army in their infinite Wisdom decided to take Matters into their own Hands and just take the $598 out of the Paycheck. Do the Math 598+598=1196 so the Total out of Pocket expense for the little Jail Transport is over $1000 out of OUR Pocket. Someone please pass me a chunk of C4? If I ever get a hold of the Guy who*insert F word* this up I will tear out his Liver and serve it with Fava Beans at the next Officers Banquet!
Medical Emergencies
February
The Stomach Flu, everybody gets it sooner or later and usually it is not a big Deal. Unless you are in the Middle of a Deployment! Joshua got it first,2 days of Vomiting and Fever nothing unusual .Tylenol and Gatorade did the Job just fine. As expected Mike got it next, Vomiting (by now I was running out of sheets and Towels) followed by Fever …So again Tylenol and Gatorade. Just this Time it didn't help at all. He couldn't keep any amount of fluids down and the Fever went through the Roof.12 Hours after it all started he was so dehydrated that I had to take him to the ER. After 6 Hours in the Waiting Room we finally saw a Doctor and….what a Surprise it was not "just" a Stomach flu noooo it was also appendicitis on top of the Flu. To make sure it was Appendicitis a CAT scan was ordered. Ever had one? You have to drink a nasty chalky Contrast fluid to make it Work .Now I had one and the Stuff made me nauseous even without a Stomach Flu! Poor Mike had to drink about 2 Gallons of it. Because of the Stomach Flu he threw up every time he drank about half of it. He actually holds the Record for long Distance barfing now. According to the Nurse Mike was the first Patient ever who managed to throw up across a Room all the Way out in the Hallway all while laying on a Stretcher .He nearly missed our Youth Minister , bless his Heart,the poor Guy turned a nice shade of Green before fleeing the Scene. For the next 24 Hours we went from"he needs Surgery" to "We can't Operate because he is to Dehydrated and the Fever is to High". Thankfully, Mike was out of it and didn't care about all the probing and prodding that was done to him(he now believes in Alien Abductions). I think we went to Pre Surgery about 4 Times. Prepping for Surgery, back down to the ER, up to Surgery, down to the ER,up to Surgery,down to ER.I felt like Tom Hanks in "Terminal" !36 Hours later the Antibiotics finally kicked in, the Fever went Down and we where able to go Home until the next Adventure.
MARCH
The remodeling went just as expected, it took forever and I learned that the Deployment Curse is contagious.
3 Month after the Water Heater Disaster the Insurance finally paid so I could start looking for Contractors. Since the Amount the Insurance paid was a World apart from what a Contractor charges, a lot of it had to be done by me, myself and I .Now I have Trouble to get a Nail in a Wall (no Hammer? No Problem just take a Shoe or a Pot ) My Tool box used to be an old coffee can with Duct Tape, Super Glue and a can of WD40.Since I turned into the female version of Tim Allen I am now the proud Owner of a Well Stocked PINK Tool Box . The only Project done by a Professional are the Floors. They are very pretty ….after I cleaned up all the Blood that my Contractor spilled. See the Deployment Curse is Contagious! The Floors where almost complete when the poor Man cut his Thumb off with the Band Saw. He now is a firm believer in the Deployment Curse and will probably never set Foot in a Military Household again. He has not been back to finish the last bit of the Stairs so I guess I will pull out my shiny new Tool Box and get to work.
Medical Emergencies part deuce
APRIL
Here we go again. My Middle Child is just like his Daddy. He seems to be drawn to Freak accidents like flies to Poop.I am Convinced that this is not a Boy Thing ,it is Genetic! He sure didn't get this from me so that leaves just one Person. As usual the pater Familias is roaming the Middle East so he is missing out on all the fun .
Last Night, just before going to bed, Michael was Supposed to let the Dogs in while I gave Joshua his Bath.At first I didn't hear the Muffled"MOM,MOOOOM,MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM" cries from Michael. By the Time I heard the Commotion in the Kitchen(Dogs freaking out, child yelling mommommommom) I knew in my Heart that I will not be in Bed in 30min.
Mr. Freak Accident managed to Step on a Piece of Bailing Wire(for the non Farmers out there..very strong Wire just like the metal poles they attach those orange Warning Flags on) and the darn thing was stuck in his Foot. My first Reaction was just to rip it out and get it over with .Judging by the 2 feet of Wire sticking out of his Foot it couldn't be in to deep so not a big deal. I tugged a little and nothing Moved..well except Michael who almost started to Levitate and spit green stuff a la Exorcist at me. Joshua, alerted by the Screams, scooted around the Corner (dripping Wet and Buck Naked of course) took one look at his Brother and started to scream "he's gonna DIE!!!!!!" Which, in the Usual Chain Reaction, got all 4 Dogs into a Frenzy. So here We where ,sitting on the Kitchen Floor Screaming Joshua, Screaming Mike and 4 Dogs bouncing around us barely missing the Long Part of the Wire . It was Time to form a Battle Plan,I yelled "ATTENTION"(works like a charm even the dogs shut up) and just like a General I commanded my Troops "Michael Support the Wire and get yourself on a Chair ""Joshua get a Towel and Clothes" Wow Patton would have been Proud of me! After putting the Dogs up and grabbing the First Aid Kit (a Duffel Bag that would make every Medic weep in envy) I got to Work. After careful Examination of the Wire I decided not to pull it out because 1 the other End of it was Corkscrewed so I wasn't sure if the part Sticking IN Mikes Foot was just like that and 2 just looking at the Wire caused Mike to groan, josh to scream and the Dogs to go Nuts. Since we Have not seen our favorite Nurses in the ER for a few Weeks we decided to drop by and let them deal with it. Now moving a 110lb Kid with 2 feet of Wire sticking out of him is not easy .I made the smart decision to just cut part of the Wire (hey I knew i got this Fancy PINK Tool Box for a Reason) Bad Idea! The Cutters where to weak for the Job and whenever I touched the Wire Michael would go into cursing/Levitating Mode again. Next Problem was how to get Mike from the Kitchen to the Car, I gave up on carrying the Kid when he turned 8 ,now he is 12 as Tall as me and carrying him is just not an option .Both of us had a smart Moment and decided to maneuver Mike on the Computer Chair and roll him out to the Car, Kind of the Nerd Version of a Wheelchair, it worked surprisingly Well, besides the Part where I had to get the Chair Down one Stair, up another Stair and then rolling it through The Grass .By the Time we made it to the Car Mike was white as a Sheet and shaking. I am so used to drive to the ER that We made Record Time again( the Only Time I actually have an excuse to speed).As I push Mike in the ER a Nurse looks at him and asks him" what it THAT?" My Smart Child responds in typical Cooke manner "Oh THAT, It's my Antenna and the reception SUCKS ".That's my BOY!!!! I guess they never put away our Paper Work from the last Time because Triage in was faster than ever. The ER on a Saturday Night is an interesting Place to be.Especially in a small Town like Paris where Bars close at 2am and People are just not ready to go Home. Every Drunk Redneck in Town shared their "impaled by Wire/Fish Hooks/Grandmas Dentures" Stories so the Waiting was quiet Entertaining.
Once we got to the usual Exam 4 (Mike suggested to the Nurse that they need to put a sign up…reserved for the Cooke Family) the Doctor ,again the usual one , decided to have a Nurse cut the Wire. I tried to warn him about my own failed attempt but hey he went to Med School and I didn't so the Nurse got to Work. After Mike Introduced her to the Lingo of an Army Brat (Thanks Daddy and Big Brother) she gave up and called in the reinforcements .With the Help of Bigger Wire Cutters and a Strong Doctor the Wire was reduced to just 6 Inches sticking out! X-rays revealed that the Wire went in about 2 Inches barely scraping by Bones and Tendons(at Michaels Request I took Pictures so he can show off his Battle Scars to Daddy). The X Ray has a Place of Honor in The Doctors Lounge now but Mike was able to keep a Copy and the Wire (I doubt he will do much at School Tomorrow) . After a Local Anesthesia that Hurt Worse then the Wire we where able to go Home once again.Did I mention that during the whole ordeal i popped something in my Back?The Kids say I walk funny..I would yell at them for beeing big meanies but since I also have a Cold and a sore Throat I can only Whisper.The Children Love it..Mom cant yell anymore cant even whisper so to them it is total bliss.I am to tired to argue anyway so I will let them enjoy the Silence until I find the Air Horn,at least that will get their Attention long enough to read the Notes I ha
ve to write in order to communicate.
I have to Vent.Oh do I have to V-E-N-T ! After 14+ years in the Army the Deployment Curse still manages to surprise me.To all the new Wives out there..YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE the Curse..EVER. All the "Veteran Wives"you know what I am talking about.In the past Years I have started to give new Appliances Deployment Names because nothing ever breaks while Hubby is around to give at least Moral Support.The Deployment Curse will hit every time your Hubby leaves the country to explore exotic places far far away from home. For example my OIF1 List ....Washer,dryer,Dishwasher,Pick up Truck and some minor House repairs ,I also broke my Leg 7 Days before Hubby came Home.OIF2 we had a blown Fuse box that left us in the Dark for 4 days,15 Feet of Roots in the Sewer Line which cause the Main line to Back up(filled every Sink and Bathtub in the House with 6 Inches of Sh&^)next the Washer gave up again,AC compressor in the Car,Air conditioner quit in July(did I mention I live in TEXAS?) and the Lawnmower just went BOOM and died.OIF3 was just the same.this Time the Theme was Entertainment,TV,DVD Player,the Kids XBox,VCR and the Computer also the other Air conditioner Unit(again during the Summer) .Now we are on OIF4 and the Tale goes on.First the Family Car blew the Transmission(thank God right in Front of a Car Dealership)2 Weeks later another Section of the Main Sewer Line broke in 3 Places(again Thank God it only spewed its goods in the Yard and Back Porch)so far so good for the Deployment Curse part 4.Last Friday i was just hanging out with the Kids..making plans for New Years eve(which I had to work but hey..we can have Fun at a Woman's Shelter right?) a slow trickle caught my Attention..it was raining hard so nothing to worry about Right?Next thing I know a Blubbering Noise comes out of the Hallway Closet(yes you guessed it..the one with the BIG Water heater in it) before I knew what happened a PUFF of Steam comes out of the Closet followed by a Flood of Hot Water.By the time i made it to the Water Heater I was Ankle deep in Hot Water.Trying to find the Main Shut off in all that Steam took me 5 Minutes while more and more Water came out of every Pipe Boiler and what not.After using Every Towel,Rag,Table cloth,Quilt and Blanket in the house to try to contain the Water I finally found Time to call the Plumber.Plumber #one told me flat out he would be there Tuesday(NEXT TUESDAY) and it would be at least $1200.Second Plumber..yeah we can come out Tuesday it IS the Holidays ya know.Geesh Thanks like I didn't know that..Obviously my Water Heater must have forgotten to give me a Week Notice before blowing up..next Time I will Schedule it a Month in Advance.Finally a Plumber agreed to be out here in 3 Hours WITH a new Water heater for ONLY $600.Oh bless the Man I wanted to kiss his Feet!Next came a call to the Insurance Company..yup they send Some Loss Mitigation Company out Immediately(never mind that Water was still happily trickling out of that darn Thing).While I was dragging out Stuff from 2 Walk in Closets(hmm didn't I plan on Reorganizing them anyway?)and we are Talking CLOTHES everywhere! Summer Clothes that where boxed up..Kids Clothes that waited for Josh to Grow into(the next 5 years are covered) STUFFED ANIMALS,Toys etc.,In Short..Closets that Caught everything from 1980 Tax Papers to"we might need it later"Clothes and Stuff.Also a Kids Bedroom full with toys (thanks Santa,Grandma,Big Brothers..we are Talking 10 Toy boxes full!!!!)everything soaking wet of course.Next thing I know I have 2 Plumbers Ripping out Pipes and the Water heater(who needs Walls anyway?) and 4 LMS workers Dragging in Huge Industrial Size Fans and all Sorts of Equipment.While I slush around in a Daze the nice Man from LMS announces that he will start with the Removal now..cool with me..remove the Water and go away.My Brain stopped working when the Steam hit me in the Face so it took awhile to catch on.Once I saw the Guy with the Crow Bar I should have know...but it took a few more minutes to catch on.What he said was not "remove the water"he meant REMOVE THE FLOORS ..next thing out of my Mouth I cant write down..lets just say I turned into a Mad Woman with full blown Turrets Syndrome threatening the poor Guy with Death and Dismemberment if he lays as much as a Finger on the Wood Floors that MY HUSBAND put in .After everybody went for Cover during my Rant I finally calmed down enough to tell them that I QUIT AND MOVE TO FLORIDA.They where just Lucky that none of the Guns in the House where loaded.After I calmed down,Thanks to the Plumber who was brave enough to give me a Hug and tell me that it will all be alright..they Started to pull out Carpet and Hardwood and set up the Fans.Do you know Industrial Size Fans?oh let me tell you..they are the Size of Jet Engines and just as loud.I had 8 in my House for 4 days now..my Hearing will never be the same.Besides the Fact that it is IMPOSSIBLE to Sleep with those things blowing...they also create a VERY strong Wind.Ever been in a Wind Tunnel?Come and sit on my Couch.The Wind was so Strong that by Saturday I watched my Wallpaper circulating on the Ceiling,not pretty!As the Wallpaper blew off one section after the other I was just able to sit on my Couch,wrapped in an old Winter Coat,and laugh.My Kids where about to call the Guys with the Big white Jackets(the one with the sleeves on the back) and commit me to a Rubberized Room.The next few days where bad..really bad.The Kids are totally out of whack..Boxes and Bags are all over the House and we take our Meals on the Couch ,trying to keep the food from blowing of the plates,because the Kitchen Table is loaded 4 feet high with Laundry that I have Washed(30 Loads so far..and still about 2 feet high pile to go) Today is Tuesday..the Fans just got removed and The Silence is scary!It will take Days until I stop Yelling from the Top of my Lungs.The Insurance Adjusters are backed up so it will be 2 or 3 days until someone comes out to figure out the Damage and do an estimate.They will report to the Insurance Company(another 2 days)and then USAA will decide about the amount of the Check.Once they Mail the Check(4-7 Business days)I can start to get estimates from Contractors.So in about a Month I might have Floors again.What scares me the most right now is that this Deployment just started!In the End things are not as bad..I did bake a bunch of Cookies for the poor LMS guys that took the Brunt of my little Meltdown.The Closets finally get organized..the ugly 70`s Carpet in Joshuas Room will eventually be replaced and the Floors in the Living Room and Hallways will be fine,not with the sentimental value the old ones had but hey right now I settle for ANYTHING but Concrete.It could have been worse.I try telling myself that the Deployment curse is what makes us Army Wives so darn Tough.The Things we deal with while our Husbands are gone would bring any "normal"Woman to their Knees.Things like this,as bad and traumatizing they are,Make us tougher then the Rest . I have a Co Worker that calls her Husband at Work whenever she has a Spider in the House..an Army Wife will not even flinch if a critter the Size of a Pick up is having Dinner straight out of her Fridge..we will quietly grab a Shoe or whatever Weapon is appropriate..smash the darn thing and go back to our Routine without even blinking.Dang I am Proud to be a tough Ass Army Wife!Ladies we are the Strongest,Toughest breed of Females God has ever created!We overcome obstacles and manage any Crisis that gets thrown our Way..and every time we emerge stronger.Once this part of the Deployment Curse is over I will be one Tough broad..I don't know what I do if Something else happens tomorrow..but I am sure that after a 5 minute Meltdown I will do what Army Wives do best..suck it up and Soldier on.
January
Before the Guys left for this Deployment my Dear Husband had to Transport a few Prisoners to "The big House" in Leavenworth. Not a big Deal. he had the Government Credit Card to pay for Hotel, Meals and Gas. So for a Change we didn't have to use our Grocery Money for some Army Stuff and then wait month for reimbursement. WRONG!!!! A few Days before he left for Iraq I received a Bill for the Trip.$398 due immediately. Somebody forgot to pay it so the Bank went to the Guy who signed for it….Dear Hubby. My Sweetie went to finance and was assured that it was a glitch and everything will be fixed. NEVER believe some Spc who tells you things are fixed…they are NOT fixed. Just pushed on the Bottom of the Pile to collect Dust. Fast Forward 2 Month into the Deployment…. Sunday Morning 5 Am A very frazzled Husband calls from some Place in the Desert. The*insert the F word and S Word* hit the Fan,*insert F Word* never paid the Credit Card and now WE owe *insert F word*$598 .He just spend an Hour being Yelled at by every *insert F word* NCO and Officer in the Company for not paying his*insert F Word* Bills ( helloooooo HIS Bills? Last I checked it was not some pleasure Trip to Vegas but Army Business).If he doesn't pay the Amount owed IMMEDIATELY and provides proof that he did so he will loose rank and receive an Article 15 . A little Reminder here ..it is 5am on a Sunday and Banks are usually Closed(a Fact obviously lost on the Chain of Command...it scares me to know that those Men carry loaded Weapons !) I bite my Tongue and tell him to give me all the Information he has. I promise him to fix it(don't know how.. but heads will roll when I am done!) and get on the Phone. Since Banks are closed on Sundays I call the Number for Stolen Cards praying for a Veteran or Army Wife on the other End. Some dimwit sounds very concerned and suggests that hubby Fax his Paperwork to the Credit Department and they will look into it on Monday. I was about to blow a gasket! FAX??? Unless you can plug one of those Fax thingy's into a Camels Rear End I don't think we are on the same Page here Lady. Dimwit gets offended and I demand to speak to a Supervisor. After going over the whole shebang again the Man is at least smart enough Not to suggest Faxing anything. He Transfers me to yet another Department where I get Lucky ,a Former Army Wife comes to the Rescue. After giving her every possible Information from Birth dates, Mothers Maiden Name, Kindergarten Teachers Name SS#, Unit, Rank, $Amounts, Last Bowel Movement etc. she finally takes my Money and gives me a Confirmation Number. 1 Hour and $598 later (guess it is Ramen Noodles and PB&J Sandwiches this Month) Super Army Wife saved the Day once again. Hubby calls back (Oh by the Way Baby YOU*insert F Word*OWE ME !).We will just have to wait till Hubby gets back State side to get our Money back from the Army. Now things should be over right? Bill is Paid in full..Hubby didn't loose Rank and everybody is Happy. Think again. this is a Deployment and NOTHING works out normally. The latest anecdote of this whole ordeal is that the Army in their infinite Wisdom decided to take Matters into their own Hands and just take the $598 out of the Paycheck. Do the Math 598+598=1196 so the Total out of Pocket expense for the little Jail Transport is over $1000 out of OUR Pocket. Someone please pass me a chunk of C4? If I ever get a hold of the Guy who*insert F word* this up I will tear out his Liver and serve it with Fava Beans at the next Officers Banquet!
Medical Emergencies
February
The Stomach Flu, everybody gets it sooner or later and usually it is not a big Deal. Unless you are in the Middle of a Deployment! Joshua got it first,2 days of Vomiting and Fever nothing unusual .Tylenol and Gatorade did the Job just fine. As expected Mike got it next, Vomiting (by now I was running out of sheets and Towels) followed by Fever …So again Tylenol and Gatorade. Just this Time it didn't help at all. He couldn't keep any amount of fluids down and the Fever went through the Roof.12 Hours after it all started he was so dehydrated that I had to take him to the ER. After 6 Hours in the Waiting Room we finally saw a Doctor and….what a Surprise it was not "just" a Stomach flu noooo it was also appendicitis on top of the Flu. To make sure it was Appendicitis a CAT scan was ordered. Ever had one? You have to drink a nasty chalky Contrast fluid to make it Work .Now I had one and the Stuff made me nauseous even without a Stomach Flu! Poor Mike had to drink about 2 Gallons of it. Because of the Stomach Flu he threw up every time he drank about half of it. He actually holds the Record for long Distance barfing now. According to the Nurse Mike was the first Patient ever who managed to throw up across a Room all the Way out in the Hallway all while laying on a Stretcher .He nearly missed our Youth Minister , bless his Heart,the poor Guy turned a nice shade of Green before fleeing the Scene. For the next 24 Hours we went from"he needs Surgery" to "We can't Operate because he is to Dehydrated and the Fever is to High". Thankfully, Mike was out of it and didn't care about all the probing and prodding that was done to him(he now believes in Alien Abductions). I think we went to Pre Surgery about 4 Times. Prepping for Surgery, back down to the ER, up to Surgery, down to the ER,up to Surgery,down to ER.I felt like Tom Hanks in "Terminal" !36 Hours later the Antibiotics finally kicked in, the Fever went Down and we where able to go Home until the next Adventure.
MARCH
The remodeling went just as expected, it took forever and I learned that the Deployment Curse is contagious.
3 Month after the Water Heater Disaster the Insurance finally paid so I could start looking for Contractors. Since the Amount the Insurance paid was a World apart from what a Contractor charges, a lot of it had to be done by me, myself and I .Now I have Trouble to get a Nail in a Wall (no Hammer? No Problem just take a Shoe or a Pot ) My Tool box used to be an old coffee can with Duct Tape, Super Glue and a can of WD40.Since I turned into the female version of Tim Allen I am now the proud Owner of a Well Stocked PINK Tool Box . The only Project done by a Professional are the Floors. They are very pretty ….after I cleaned up all the Blood that my Contractor spilled. See the Deployment Curse is Contagious! The Floors where almost complete when the poor Man cut his Thumb off with the Band Saw. He now is a firm believer in the Deployment Curse and will probably never set Foot in a Military Household again. He has not been back to finish the last bit of the Stairs so I guess I will pull out my shiny new Tool Box and get to work.
Medical Emergencies part deuce
APRIL
Here we go again. My Middle Child is just like his Daddy. He seems to be drawn to Freak accidents like flies to Poop.I am Convinced that this is not a Boy Thing ,it is Genetic! He sure didn't get this from me so that leaves just one Person. As usual the pater Familias is roaming the Middle East so he is missing out on all the fun .
Last Night, just before going to bed, Michael was Supposed to let the Dogs in while I gave Joshua his Bath.At first I didn't hear the Muffled"MOM,MOOOOM,MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM" cries from Michael. By the Time I heard the Commotion in the Kitchen(Dogs freaking out, child yelling mommommommom) I knew in my Heart that I will not be in Bed in 30min.
Mr. Freak Accident managed to Step on a Piece of Bailing Wire(for the non Farmers out there..very strong Wire just like the metal poles they attach those orange Warning Flags on) and the darn thing was stuck in his Foot. My first Reaction was just to rip it out and get it over with .Judging by the 2 feet of Wire sticking out of his Foot it couldn't be in to deep so not a big deal. I tugged a little and nothing Moved..well except Michael who almost started to Levitate and spit green stuff a la Exorcist at me. Joshua, alerted by the Screams, scooted around the Corner (dripping Wet and Buck Naked of course) took one look at his Brother and started to scream "he's gonna DIE!!!!!!" Which, in the Usual Chain Reaction, got all 4 Dogs into a Frenzy. So here We where ,sitting on the Kitchen Floor Screaming Joshua, Screaming Mike and 4 Dogs bouncing around us barely missing the Long Part of the Wire . It was Time to form a Battle Plan,I yelled "ATTENTION"(works like a charm even the dogs shut up) and just like a General I commanded my Troops "Michael Support the Wire and get yourself on a Chair ""Joshua get a Towel and Clothes" Wow Patton would have been Proud of me! After putting the Dogs up and grabbing the First Aid Kit (a Duffel Bag that would make every Medic weep in envy) I got to Work. After careful Examination of the Wire I decided not to pull it out because 1 the other End of it was Corkscrewed so I wasn't sure if the part Sticking IN Mikes Foot was just like that and 2 just looking at the Wire caused Mike to groan, josh to scream and the Dogs to go Nuts. Since we Have not seen our favorite Nurses in the ER for a few Weeks we decided to drop by and let them deal with it. Now moving a 110lb Kid with 2 feet of Wire sticking out of him is not easy .I made the smart decision to just cut part of the Wire (hey I knew i got this Fancy PINK Tool Box for a Reason) Bad Idea! The Cutters where to weak for the Job and whenever I touched the Wire Michael would go into cursing/Levitating Mode again. Next Problem was how to get Mike from the Kitchen to the Car, I gave up on carrying the Kid when he turned 8 ,now he is 12 as Tall as me and carrying him is just not an option .Both of us had a smart Moment and decided to maneuver Mike on the Computer Chair and roll him out to the Car, Kind of the Nerd Version of a Wheelchair, it worked surprisingly Well, besides the Part where I had to get the Chair Down one Stair, up another Stair and then rolling it through The Grass .By the Time we made it to the Car Mike was white as a Sheet and shaking. I am so used to drive to the ER that We made Record Time again( the Only Time I actually have an excuse to speed).As I push Mike in the ER a Nurse looks at him and asks him" what it THAT?" My Smart Child responds in typical Cooke manner "Oh THAT, It's my Antenna and the reception SUCKS ".That's my BOY!!!! I guess they never put away our Paper Work from the last Time because Triage in was faster than ever. The ER on a Saturday Night is an interesting Place to be.Especially in a small Town like Paris where Bars close at 2am and People are just not ready to go Home. Every Drunk Redneck in Town shared their "impaled by Wire/Fish Hooks/Grandmas Dentures" Stories so the Waiting was quiet Entertaining.
Once we got to the usual Exam 4 (Mike suggested to the Nurse that they need to put a sign up…reserved for the Cooke Family) the Doctor ,again the usual one , decided to have a Nurse cut the Wire. I tried to warn him about my own failed attempt but hey he went to Med School and I didn't so the Nurse got to Work. After Mike Introduced her to the Lingo of an Army Brat (Thanks Daddy and Big Brother) she gave up and called in the reinforcements .With the Help of Bigger Wire Cutters and a Strong Doctor the Wire was reduced to just 6 Inches sticking out! X-rays revealed that the Wire went in about 2 Inches barely scraping by Bones and Tendons(at Michaels Request I took Pictures so he can show off his Battle Scars to Daddy). The X Ray has a Place of Honor in The Doctors Lounge now but Mike was able to keep a Copy and the Wire (I doubt he will do much at School Tomorrow) . After a Local Anesthesia that Hurt Worse then the Wire we where able to go Home once again.Did I mention that during the whole ordeal i popped something in my Back?The Kids say I walk funny..I would yell at them for beeing big meanies but since I also have a Cold and a sore Throat I can only Whisper.The Children Love it..Mom cant yell anymore cant even whisper so to them it is total bliss.I am to tired to argue anyway so I will let them enjoy the Silence until I find the Air Horn,at least that will get their Attention long enough to read the Notes I ha
ve to write in order to communicate.
No comments:
Post a Comment